Ways To Help Yourself

Getting Through the Challenging Days

Men and Grief

Chronic Grief Counselling

Articles on Grief and Bereavement

Ways to Help Yourself during Grief Recovery

Experiencing grief is very difficult. Your whole world has been turned "upside down". Here are some ideas that may help during this painful time.

• No appetite? Eat six small meals a day. (Muffins one time, a piece of cheese another, a glass of milk, a piece of fruit, etc.) Try to include a variety of fruits and vegetables. Keeping something in your stomach helps to avoid gastric ailments such as ulcers.
• Reduce sugar intake. Sugar can increase stress levels and depression.
• Drink water - six to eight glasses of water per day. Always a good practice, but especially important during the grieving process as the brain requires plenty of liquid to function.
• Reduce caffeine intake.
• Avoid alcohol. Caffeine and alcohol are depressants and cause dehydration which can lead to blurred vision and headaches.
• Exercise regularly. (This allows the body's natural anti-depressants to kick in, thus avoiding the use of medication.) Walking - arms swinging and legs striding at a pace of 120 steps per minute for 20 - 25 minutes is an excellent way of exercising. Start slowly and work your way up to the maximum time. Any sustained exercise for 20 - 25 minutes is ideal. Biking and swimming are also very good, the idea being to get your cardiovascular system going.
• Keep a Journal.
• Talk to others about your feelings. (If needed, get one-on-one couselling or join a support group.)
• Can't sleep? Get up. Try brushing your hair, listen to relaxing music. Do one of those "I'll take care of it tomorrow" chores (like balancing a cheque book). Play solitaire, etc. When you feel tired, go back to bed.
• Allow time to grieve. Find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed and set an alarm clock for 20 minutes. Use this time to remember your loss; go through letters, look at old photographs, listen to the music you shared, etc. Do not look at the clock, but immerse yourself in your memories.
• Do something nice for yourself. Have a relaxing bath, read a book, buy something new, have dinner with a friend, see a play etc.
• BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF. Grieving takes as long as it takes. There is no set timetable and no need to put on a brave front or to ignore your feelings, so don't become impatient with yourself.

Source:  Burquitlam Grief Recovery

Bereavement - Getting Through the Challenging Days

Preparation:

• Acknowledge the anniversary, birthday or any day that was special to you and the person who died.
• Be aware that the day is coming and plan something, however small. Otherwise you may feel badly or have regrets when the day comes and goes and you didn't do anything to mark it. Also, if you do make plans, you will be in charge and less likely to be taken by surprise and overwhelmed.
• Move towards rather than away from difficult feelings. Relax into the pain rather than resisting it if you can. Accept it - it's going to be there anyway.
• You may want to be alone on this day. If not, who can you be with? Who will understand and be there for you?
• Remember that often the time (and feelings) leading up to the special day, can be harder than the day itself. What have you done before that helped at difficult or painful times in your life? What worked for you at those times?
• Take care of yourself and your family. This nurturing is really important.
• You will get through it.

Some ideas and thoughts for what you might do on/for the day:

• Balance solitude with social activity.
• Schedule letting go time; find a way to allow the sadness.
• Talk about the person you have lost with others who knew them. Tell stories; remember the times you spent together.
• Do something that the person might be pleased with or used to enjoy.
• Go to a place where they liked to go, e.g. the beach, park or forest. Take a picnic.
• Buy some helium balloons, maybe in her/his favourite colour(s); tie on a tag with a message if you wish. Let them go and watch as they float upwards.
• Make an altar or special place in your home with pictures or mementos of the person.
• Light candles. In one family at Christmas and on the anniversary of the death, the family lights the candle that they lit for the memorial service. They then sit quietly together and remember.
• Read one of their favourite poems, play some music or watch a video that your loved one enjoyed.
• Plant a tree, a rosebush or bulbs in memory of your loved one.
• Write a letter to your loved one or write what you need for yourself.
• Look at photo albums and/or home videos of your loved one.
• Read notes, cards, letters or poetry that they wrote.
• Meditate or sit quietly with your eyes closed and talk to the person as if they can hear you.
• Visit the gravesite or where you scattered the ashes.
• Do something creative in their memory: write a poem; paint or draw a picture; make a collage or a memory object, such as a garden stone or garden mobile; plant a small garden with flowers they liked.
• Start a ritual - a brand new one that you can use every year on this day, and planning for these days will be easier in the future.
• Anything else you can think of.............

Prepared for Burnaby Hospice by: Chris Boyd and Carolyn Main 2002. (Adapted for LMGR May 06; Revised Nov 07.)

Men and Grief Recovery

Men in the North American culture express their feelings differently from women. Many of the models that describe grief are based on the grief of women. Grief counsellors encourage the expression of feelings, anger, sadness, loss of self esteem, helplessness as a way of moving through grief. This may not be a helpful approach for men, as they move into and through the dark days of their grief.

Society and indeed men themselves have expectations regarding how men should behave especially in stressful situations. Expectations that men should be: in control, confident, analytical, assertive, courageous, goal and task oriented, make things work and be able to take charge in difficult situations and are concerned with thinking rather than feeling. However after the death of someone we love - in grief - we don't feel in control, we don't feel confident, we don't feel we can "take charge". Men are likely to feel the pain of grief, be anxious and lack the energy to complete the many tasks that need to be done. The feelings of grief are so unfamiliar to men that they don't know where to begin. This is unfamiliar territory. It is not that men don't want to grieve; it's that they don't know how to grieve.

Tom Golden in his book "Swallowed by a Snake: The gift of the masculine side of healing" describes grief as related to desire. He indicates that grief and desire are brothers; two sides of the same coin. Desire is the source of both grief and happiness. If desire is met, there is joy, if not, there is grief. When you are with someone who is special to you, there is the joy and happiness of which he speaks. When that person who is special to you dies, there is grief - a great sadness deep within. Golden relates that it is easier for men to connect with their grief through body sensations than through thinking or talking. Grief is the ability to stand in your own tension arising from the loss. Society often encourages us to move on, to let go. He describes the experience of grief, like treading water. How can we let go of what we are swimming in? We can't push through grief any more than we can push through water.

Golden writes that all of life is oscillating between states of ritual and chaos. In grief we experience more of the chaos. In healing from the grief experience it can be helpful to use ritual. He recommends 4 parts to the ritual.

• Containment: This is when a grief support program can be helpful. It provides a safe place in which to express grief without judgment - a place where the grief is normalized, a place where you are respected and supported.
• Submission: Golden describes submission as the next process; to become aware of the grief - it can lurk in the shadows unnamed and affect your mood. The group is a place where you can safely go into the pain of the grief.
• Deconstruction: When someone close to you dies, it is as if part of you has died with them. Golden describes this as taking apart the old self, the part of you that has died - the old desires will identify what is in need of deconstruction. Sometimes tears may come and these can be a sign of strength.
• Reconstruction: This is a time to be in touch with the part of ourselves affected by the grief and to begin a process of integration. He adds, "Grief is like manure. If you spread it out, it fertilizes. If you leave it in a big pile, it smells like hell!" Not grieving can bring dark moods.

You are not the grief. Grief is a guest, albeit an unwelcome guest residing in you. Grief is a temporary guest that needs to be digested and then expelled.

For more information from Tom Golden go to www.webhealing.com.

The programs of the Lower Mainland Grief Recovery Society recognize that men will grieve differently than women and will assist men to find the way that is right for them to work through the sadness and pain of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We can help you find the way that is right for you.

Chronic Grief Counselling - A Lifeline Back To Health and Happiness

This article started as a much shorter post on my Blog "Recovery Matters" in February 2010. Chronic grief is a serious road block to mental health and happiness. Read on to learn how counselling can help you regain your psychological well being if you are stuck in "the pain that won't go away".

There's much debate in the research community about the usefulness of grief counselling. The debate revolves around whether grief counselling is necessary for recovery, or if it even does any good. There seems to be some agreement that for "normal" grief, counselling isn't required for healing to take place. Healing tends to happen on its own, over time - especially with good support. However, most researchers recognize that adequate familial and social support systems can be lacking for grievers, especially after the first couple of months following the loss, and agree that people experiencing "ordinary" grief can receive valuable help, understanding and normalization of grief emotions from counselling. This can be immensely beneficial for grieving people who encounter attitudes that reflect little understanding of the process of grief, or unrealistic expectations about the needs of grievers that can pressure grievers to "get over it" long before their healing may have actually even started. The truth is, we live in a world that has little tolerance for death except as a form of entertainment. So "normal" grief counselling can play a beneficial role as both a source of comfort, education and a coping bridge between the griever's heartache and the world outside. But is counselling necessary for normal grief to heal? Probably not.

Where grief counselling can become a lifeline is in situations where grief becomes chronic. Chronic grief - also known as "stuck", prolonged, or complicated grief - is characterized by the lack of resolution or intensification of acute grief symptoms such as disbelief, shock, anxiety or depression after more than a year. Chronic grief is experienced by 15% to 20% of all grieving people, especially those who have been impacted by unexpected and/or traumatic loss, such as sudden death, prolonged fatal illness, war and catastrophic injury. People who have a history of depression, anxiety or childhood abuse or neglect are more vulnerable to chronic grief. It has also been my experience that people who experience socially unrecognized or "disenfranchised" grief, such as early miscarriage, pet death or job loss, can be at greater risk of chronic grief, as they feel further isolated or judged for "inappropriate" grief.

From my perspective, chronic grief can be thought of normal grief that has lost its way, and does not know how to heal. This kind of grief is often characterized by hopelessness, loss of meaning and/or belief systems, intense pre-occupation and longing for a lost loved one or situation, apathy, a lingering sense of disbelief about the loss, avoidance of situations or thoughts that are reminders of the loss, and sometimes, distressing, intrusive thoughts related to the loss that are reminiscent of trauma symptoms. Left untreated, chronic grief can lead to clinical depression, substance abuse and at worst, suicidal thinking.

Recovery from chronic grief is possible, but requires specific counselling approaches designed to treat both grief and trauma symptoms. Preliminary studies are hopeful as they show that the recovery rate from specialized chronic grief counselling is twice that of regular grief counselling.

During chronic grief counselling, grievers are taught to find a balance between facing their grief and turning away from grief thoughts, emotions and memories. By learning to skillfully "dose" themselves in this way, grievers come to accept the reality of their loss, while developing healthier coping skills including overcoming negative beliefs and distressing emotions, managing other people's reactions to them, and moving on with life. This skill acquisition makes the grieving process more conscious and voluntary, and builds psychological resilience.

So is complicated grief counselling necessary for recovery from chronic grief? I would argue that not only is it necessary, but that chronic grief counselling is a vital support that helps people stuck in grief to regain an investment in life that otherwise could be lost to them forever.

Glynis Sherwood MEd, CCC, is a Counselling Therapist specializing in recovery from long term loss, and chronic grief. For more information on how counselling can help you recover from Grief and Loss, contact me for a free 15 minute consultation. During that consultation we will discuss your situation and how my counselling services can help you start to recover from chronic grief as soon as possible. You may contact me by telephone: 778-837-0616 or by email through my website: www.GlynisSherwood.com/grief-recovery-counselling.php. My services are available in person in Vancouver Canada, or WorldWide by telephone or VOIP. I look forward to hearing from you and helping you on the road to recovery!

Resources:

• Swallowed by a Snake: The gift of the masculine side of healing, Thomas R. Golden, Golden Healing Publishing, 2nd edition, 2000.
• Men and Grief A Guide for Men Surviving the Death of a Loved One, Carol Staudacher, New Harbinger Publications Inc., 1991
• Alan Wolfelt, www.centerforhealing.com